SRW UCSN

marlowe2CHRIS MARLOWE, UCSN Commentator (Matt Toner)
Marlowe has been one of the most valuable assets at UCSN since he joined the network in 1587. In his career with us, Marlowe has covered just about every major Renaissance sporting event, including Major League Bear-Baiting, the Elizabethan Rugby Union, the Scottish Midget Tossing Annuals, and, of course, the recent hit show, “Wide World of Executioners.”  From August 1588 through January 1594, he hosted his own sports celebrity interview television program on UCSN, “Late Night with Dr. Faustus,” which won an Elizzy for Outstanding Series Using Blank Verse. He currently contributes segments to a variety of news programs, including “The Chris Marlowe Inquisition” on “Atheist Hour.” Marlowe is also a frequent contributor to the Admiral’s Men and the School of the Night.  While attending Corpus Christi College (Cambridge), Marlowe began his career in 1584, working as a play-by-play voice of the minor league “Maltese Fighting Jews”. He then went on to handle regional assignments for UCSN, while acting as the on-air voice of the University of Norfolk cat juggling squad from 1586 to 1591.

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JACK FALSTAFF, UCSN Commentator (Stephen Flett)
Jack Falstaff comes to UCSN after a solid career in the Elizabethan Rugby Union. “Jumping Jack” started out as Scrum Half for the West Ham Publicans, the Bromley Sackswillers, and the Bow Street Brigands; but the bulk of his playing career was as Tighthead Prop for the Eastcheap Rogues. After several injuries (liver damage and too many blows to the head), Falstaff moved into the coaching job. Jack recruited a drinking buddy for the Eastcheap squad (a certain player named Prince Hal), and the rest was history. As all true rugby fans know, Hal would go on to Captain the English National Team as Henry 5. After many Minor League Championships, and Hal’s departure for the major leagues, Jack joined the UCSN news team. His first assignment was a now-famous interview with Warwick – one of the key players in the test match against Saint Joan. Later, he went undercover to expose management in-fighting in the Italian Rugby League, where, coaching under the pseudonym, “Mark Antony”, he lead the Julius Caesars to victory over Brutus’ Brutes.  This is Jack’s first season as a regular commentator opposite Kit Marlowe. “Did I mention that I used to coach Prince Hal?”

holinshed2RAPHAEL HOLINSHED, UCSN Commentator
(Seamus Dudley)
Though a minister and academian first and foremost, Raphael (Rafe to his closest aquaintances) is, perhaps, best known as the author of the epic four volume Chronicles of Englande, Scotlande and Irelande: Being an Hiftoricall Defcription of the Iland of Britaine. This encyclopaedic work was on Ye olde London Tymes best sellers list for three years, selling over eighteen copies. It has been used as the source material for many of the period’s greatest poets and tradgedians. Raphael’s latest project is a Twelve volume work entitled An Treatife on the Vfe of Rvgbee as a Means for Succeffion to the Moft Royale Crowne of England, which will be available in July in both folio and handy quarto editions.

ralph2ROBERT JOHNSON, UCSN Composer (Ralph Pastore)
Ralph’s introduction to theatre music composition and sound design was in 1986 on Cathy Jones’ national tour of Wedding in Texas. Since then, Ralph has worked as a musician in such alternative bands as Skaface and as a composer/sound designer for dozens of independent films and theatrical productions across the country. In more recent years, Ralph has composed film and TV series scores for CBC, Newsworld, CTV and The Discovery Channel as well as Monster Home, the world’s first feature-length film for internet broadcast. Ralph is overjoyed at the opportunity Shakespeare’s Rugby Wars has given him to unabashedly indulge in his baser side and to loudly proclaim:
In this, this Test we play, there’s but one Try.
Not that of Beauty nor Lightness of Love -
For these are delights to burden your Heart.
The end my friend, is that of Mirth, and to
That end I say, “embrace the old Cliché!”

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BILL SHAKESPEARE, ERU Referee (Chris Coculuzzi)
Very little is known about the referee Shakespeare except for some personal details about his boring life growing up in a small rugby town and scoring with a woman 10 years his senior. There is a period of time that is often referred to as “the phantom years” which has lead to a lot of speculation – however, the most likely explanation for his current position, is that he was a rugby player – and a successful one at that – for many years, before he donned ye olde stripes. Before being given the daunting task of refereeing this current quadruple header, he is only known to have spent time as a touch judge in Navarre and Ephesus – whose comical rugby leagues border on the farcical.  Because of his rapid rise in the Elizabethan Rugby Union, there are rumors that say he is none other than the Earl of Oxford who staged his own death and is currently slumming from Polo. In any event, all eyes are on this young upstart to see if he adheres to the policies laid down by the IRB, the CAEA and Parks and Rec.

greene2ROBERT GREENE, ERU Referee (Cliff Makinson)
Greene had been a key Rugby Union Referee, but was demoted to Touch Judge because he antagonized too many players with his harsh criticisms of their abilities on the field.  Also, his constant demand to be the centre of attention slowed the game down too much. However, his ostentatious nature did open the door to a stellar career as a play-by-play commentator.  The most detailed account of his life and obsessive criticisms of Shakespeare can be found in the best-selling book, Greene with Envy.