YORK (TOM ANASTASIOS)
His blood may be red but his heart is pure WHITE! Richard, Duke of York is a born leader and has enjoyed a long and illustrious career. Having learned to form a scrum before he could crawl, York has been playing rugby as far back as he can remember ( which, due to one too many hits in the head, is not that long !). As Captain of the York squad, he has played for England (1428), France (1431) and Normandy (1436) and is one of the most respected players in the ERU. During that time, his aggressive play and temper have led to many victories (most notable at St. Albans -1455) but also cost him dearly. Once he was exiled to Ireland (or hell, same thing) and now he is determined to take his rightful place as King of the Rugby League!
SALISBURY (KIRKLYNNE GARRETT)
Salibury is a seasoned player that has represented England at every level. He positioned himself well early in his career playing for Montacute and hasn’t looked back since. Salisbury’s experience and tenacity have payed off with a string of successful matches. He thoroughly dominated his opponents on the recent northern tour. There was some concern earlier this year as to whether Salisbury would be sidelined for the season with an eye injury sustained during the Percy Series but nothing seems to stop him for long and he shows no signs of slowing down. Watch out for this man at the upcoming Wakefield Cup where, if he can keep his head in the heat of the match, he has a chance to make it in the record books.
WARWICK (IRENA HULL)
Someone should tell Warwick that there’s no “ruthless bastard” in “team.” This talented free agent has been floating around the union for years now, racking up high-priced contracts but, so far, no championships. Some call him “over-rated” or “a showboat” or “false peer” but his agent calls him “meal ticket.” Spectacular scoring ability but has left the management of several clubs with broken hearts, empty coffers and no closer to a title.
EDWARD (PAUL MCGRATH)
Known as the “Earl of March” by his opponents for his tendency to “March” over his victims faces with his cleats, but for Rugby fans and the historical poetic libertarian society – he is deified as the “Rose of Ruin”. Born in France, very little is known about his amateur career. He began training in the city of Shropshire. At the time was a cess pool of management corruption and backstabbing – which would account for his level of penalty time. An aggressive player even in his youth: he lead a come back for his father at the Blackheath match at the age of ten. A fact that many commentators and Rugby insiders were outraged about, but after a few beheadings and it never came up again. Combining speed, power and brutal tactics, Edward has become a powerful and political player in the game of Rugby. With his three brothers – Rugby players, fans, mascots and all things walking the face of the Earth live in constant fear of the sons of York.
CLARENCE (WOJTEK ARCISZEWSKI)
A powerful and feared player in the Elizabethan Rugby League, George Clarence is a powerful prop forward that never backs away from a fight, or the spotlight. George Clarence, one of the terrifying triumvirate of York forwards; Edward, Richard, and himself, combine to form an unstoppable force that when united can destroy any opponent on the field. But this trinity is not one. Clarence has difficulty surrendering the spotlight to Richard and Edward who win crowds with crowd pleasing and teasing showmanship… whereas Clarence will simply win favor by crushing opposition. Known for big plays and big hits, Clarence is a force to be reckoned with on the field and off with his fiery confidence and pride. Any team in the Elizabethan league would be proud to have a player like George Clarence… if they can only control him on, and off the field.
RICHARD (SEAN TYSON)
The league’s new poster boy for penalties, Richard was fined a small dukedom’s worth in his senior year at college. Professional scouts were scared off by his bad attitude: he once played 30 minutes against Southampton United wearing only a fur stole and a ceremonial black codpiece. Still scored two tries, though, so no one is questioning his abilities. Slipped to number three in the draft and immediately vowed revenge against the two teams that passed over him (The Irish Sevens and Lancaster). Last year’s regional victory against Ireland was predicted to lead to five hundred years of civil war in that country… we’ll see what he has in store for Lancaster today.
HASTINGS (RIKK SALAMAT)
Hastings surprised the rugby world when he requested to be traded to York in mid-season. Insiders report that Hastings was lured to York by Richard, Duke of Gloucester, who promised to run a hard forward game, giving Hastings and the other backs room to maneuver and a good shot at the cup. Lancaster, sending a clear message to its players, has threatened Hastings with a serious breach of contract suit that could end his career. Hastings has said in interview that he is unconcerned and believes that the York legal team will be able to dispatch the suit. Fans will recall that Rivers, Grey and Vaughan were all permanently benched early this season after Queen Margaret’s litigators got the trio transferred to the Pomfret castle farm team where they were immediately given black cards. Hopefully, Hastings will have better luck in court.
MORTIMER (RICHARD WING)
Edmund Mortimer, albeit by marriage, had the legal right to succeed Richard II. Oddly enough, the man who deposed and murdered Richard, Henry Bolingbroke (Henry IV) did not see it that way. He denied Mortimer tribute, refused to ransom him when he was captured by the Welsh, and twice short-sheeted his bed. The Earl countered by composing a popular air entitled “Henry Has Only Held One Ball”, which went pewter and reached #1 on the Bath Chart in 1369. Things went sour for Mortimer two years later however, when, after a victory over the Jukes at Finklesburg, his army tested positive for steroids. He retired in disgrace to March castle, living out his days helping the poor and rolling drunks until his sudden death from porphyria in 1381, brought on by ingesting rancid cupcakes. Mortimer’s grave may still be seen today at Fornham All-Saints Anglican, Bury St. Edmund’s, under the epitaph “Semper Ubi Sub Ubi”, the family motto (Always Wear Under Wear.)
ELIZABETH (SARAH LORI KANTER)
Boy, were we glad when naughty Elizabeth agreed to be the Page Three Girl for this week’s issue. Elizabeth loves to ride horses and engage in lots of back door political intrigue, but when it comes to drugs, this West Country hottie just says “maybe.” When asked about her taste in fellas, her turn-ons include strong hands, a warm heart and an illegitimate claim to the throne. Crook-backs and twisted arms are a big turn-off (sorry Richard!). She plans to pursue a career as a stewardess. You can see more exciting pics of Elizabeth at www.bedroomcam.com/elizabeth.
RUTLAND (OWEN GYOKERY)
A face only a mother could love. I mean, look at it. Look at it.